Delayed Consequences
773 Days
7 Hours
25 Minutes
30 Seconds
That's how long it has been
The apex of that decision
When I sat at this screen
And made the last incision
I turned against my mind
Staring down upon the blade
Knowing I'd soon be blind
I should have been afraid
I resorted to mutilation
It was rash and immature
Acting out of desperation
I just wanted to make sure
I had to erase my longing
As feelings made me weak
I'd no hope of belonging
Because I'm but a freak
The plan was a success
I escaped the mental hell
Dismissing my distress
Breaking from her spell
The process may be violent
But new clarity was born
All emotions fell sile
Touching the intangible
Feeling the impossible
Witnessing the invisible
Missing the impalpable
In sleep you are vulnerable
Weak to powers of suggestion
Powerless to resist the visions
Soul windows are locked shut
The macabre nocturnal cinema
unveils another showcase film
Reels spinning in darkness
projecting scene after scene
Some films are happy,
rare visions of joy
Some films are sad,
linger on for days
Others are too vivid
sting and cut deep
Feel like a memory
of a life never lived
and one cut too short...
The cinema lies empty now
seats filled with shadows
Seeing through closed eyes
light within the darkness
The movie begins...
An im
Turbulence
I float, detached from myself
Looking down on a flawed life
It's edges frayed, blurred
Torn by the ravages of time
I forgot to care, to safe it
Each decision an empty lie
Wrapped in fraud and deception
That twisted path led me here
A minefield of my own design
Painstakingly crafting my defeat
I see it all, carved in the sand
So helpless, so vulnerable, so lost
But up here I can ignore it.
Remove myself from my own life
Anything to deport my feelings
Cast them into the waiting sea
Washed away into cold oblivion
I let them all drown in the abyss
It hurt to harbour their lives
As they threatened to destroy mine
It takes the slighte
Chapter One:
“At the next exit turn left” Came the voice of the deceptive sat-nav perched on the dashboard. This was a single track road where left was a deep plunge into a tree lined ravine and an angry frothing river.
“Continue for the next 5.5 miles” Was the next instruction following a sharp blow to the casing. Technology and I had a special relationship, and it was going to be the only one I’d need to worry about. The past 6 hours in the car had been the longest time we’d spent together, and two of those were working out where to find a burger. For a little silver box it managed to extract so much e
Conquered
Some things are crystal clear
Glowing rays of bitter reality
Piercing the fabric of lot hope
Illuminate another failed dream
I've fallen too far, too deep
Into this chasm of my delusions
Escape tauntingly out of reach
Up there, the warm surface light
False ropes to an empty future
I try to climb out, but fall again
Strength fading from weak arms
A mind struggling to hang on
When the cracks slowly re-emerge
Fracturing that valiant resolve
Staring at the ever draining light
Mockingly staring down from above
I don't belong back up there
My place is here lost in the dark
Rotting in the shadows of fear
Those longings and dreams die her
The Message
The merest hint of soothing voice
The gentle caress warming every word
Even when they only grace my screen
In the faint light of my seclusion
This computer is my only connection
Here I can pretend to be worthwhile
Concealed behind masks and pseudonyms
But I still can't talk to you
This keyboard should be my voice
To say the words I want to say
Yet it sits here cold and silent
Fingers trembling at the very idea
Electric nerves paralyse my brain
A burning pressure building inside
Blending anticipation and blind fear
Stopping this message reaching you
This room feels small, closing in
Leaving me alone, alone in my fear
I can't los
Why
Why must you torture my mind?
Why must you do this to me?
That fire that burns inside
In waves of relentless agony
You know there is no answer
So stop asking the questions
The ones that hurt so much
Please, can you let me go?
You went away for so long
I never had to think or feel
Because you were not there
My mind belonged to myself
It was empty, quiet, safe
You realised it was futile
That there was no hope
Finally losing your strength
Why is this so different?
When my world is the same
I still have no options
Yet you voice is shouting
Burying your words so deep
I can't tear you out again
Why won't you just go away?
Take your pain with
Reincarnation
A cascading aura of soothing warmth
Flowing gently in graceful waves
Descending from the incarnated form
As it stands there in radiant calm
Emergent from the valley of shadows
Gliding through dust and neglect
The feeling, the ideal, the desire
Reunited after that lonely absence
I want to welcome it, to let in again
But the memories of the past remind me
That feeling is a master of deception
It promises wonders and enlightenment
A world free from my constant darkness
The visions only present in my dreams
Taunting illusions of a better life
A claim hanging on each word it says
They say the feeling is to be cherished
To be embra